to bring hope.

the last two months.

Preface to this note:

Please be warned, this may start off light, but it gets pretty heavy. 

I know some things i say in this will not agree with everything you think and percieve of God, but my writing of this note  is just to put forward what I think, what i’ve experienced and my own thought processes. You don’t have to agree with anything i say but i do hope it helps you understand my journey these last 5 months.

Oh, and it’s incredibly long.

Canaan Orphanage

Hello my amazing amazing tumblrers

If you didn’t know already, in January 9th, i packed up, and left my parents for a journey i’d never ever expect. I went to do a DTS in Los Angeles :) Upon arriving, I begun to meet the 37 people from all over the world…literally…ALL OVER that would soon become my YWAM family :) People from Ecuador, Egypt, South Africa, America but grew up in Morocco, Norway, Switzerland, Canada, Holland, Ghana, Germany, Malaysia, England, and even my Australia :) We were THE most diverse group that YWAM LA has seen.

And so begun our vigorous, three-month journey into learning the unreachable depths of who God is, who He is to His people and what it really meant to be alive in Christ. I don’t think i could ever summarise and put into a note just how much i learnt, how much i have experienced. But let me tell you this, it has completely blown my mind. If you really want to know more, do a DTS ;) (insert plug for YWAM here).

But right now, i’m updating you all on what i’m doing currently, and that’s a mission trip in the amazing country of Haiti. Currently, i’m in the Caribbean. A collection of countries between North and South America admist the Caribbean ocean. Some of the countries consist of the Bahamas, Jamaica, Cuba, Dominican Republic, Haiti, Puerto Rico, Jamaica, Barbados etc.

Yeap, it’s the place where Jack Sparrow lives :)

The people here speak creole which is an africanised version of French. Most of the people here are generations of african slaves, brought here by the French, hence the creole and the african people. 

Put two and two together? Okay good.

It is the poorest country in the Americas, some parts of the country even considered a fourth-world country.

You’ve probably never heard of that hey? 

The poverty here is devastating, many people i’ve met have either lost one of their parents or both to disease, malnourishment or poor living conditions. 

My team consist of 10 people, 8 students, 2 leaders, we are the smallest team. The rest of my DTS is in India and Ghana.

I’ll now tell you a bit about my team :)

First, i’ll start off with Stefanie. She’s an 18 year old Texan, such an amazing encourager (well she is a cheerleader) and a true sister that is much loved! Then we have Holly, 20, a freaking rad girl from England, but she’s recently living in Canada or British Columbia, she plays the lead girl in the Everything skit, gets battered and bruised pretty hard everytime and is such an amazing blessing and comforter to the team! Next we have Racheal Loh, 28, from Malaysia! She’s my asian buddy and such a great big sister to me. Her wisdom and just maturity are such a great balance to all our immaturity :) And then we have Miss Emily Crane, 18, a missionary kid, who grew up in Morocco but originally from Minnesota. Such an massive blessing to me, she just has an amazing child-like faith that is soo contagious to the team! Then there’s Rachel Brighton, 20, from Pennsylvania, who has just an intense hunger for God! We call her theSledgehammer because she shakes like crazy when she’s filled with the spirit and brings down soo many strongholds in people’s lives through prayer, hence, the Sledgehammer!

And for the boys, there’re only two, but they are great boys! There’s Ryan Vermooten, 23, who is from South Africa, he’s white though :) An amazing photographer and theologically sound person, who really pushes our team to really delve deeper in understanding of God’s will and his character. He really likes to ask the questions most people ignore because they’re too afraid to find the answer to and has really helped me go deeper in God rather than just scratch the surface and accept the general truths about God. And finally, there’s Jesse Blair/Chester. He’s 24, from Seattle and extremely talented at guitar! He plays an amazing God in the Everything skit and Chester, his alternate person that comes out from time to time, is an incredibly interesting 47 year old. I really can’t explain it.

And then there’s our amazing European leaders. Bob & Dorothea. Bob, 21, from Holland, has the nicest curly hair, they’re like the most adorable curls you have seen on a 21 year old man. He has an amazing servant heart that really encourages us as a team to lift each other up before ourselves. Then there’s mother Doh, 24, who gives me so much comfort as she reminds me of my mum. She really really leads our team with the mindset of just being on the same page as us and with just a heart of love.

The first month we spent here, we spent in the city of Port-au-Prince, the capital city, and epicenter of the 2010 earthquake that struck and devastated Haiti. The moment we touched down, we saw it. The devastation, the rubble…but what we also saw admist the broken houses, desperate people and raging poverty was a new city rising out of the ashes, built on the promises of God. But what one couldn’t help question was;

WHY?

Why did the earthquake happen?

Why didn’t God step in and do something? 

How  did God fit in amongst all of the chaos that was coarsing through the everday lives of these Haitians?

Little did I know, these questions, amongst many others I was questioning about the character, the purpose and existance of God would be something that I would be wrestling with throughout the whole outreach as I continued to see the fallen world manifest itself in hospitals, orphanages, tent cities and just amongst the streets of the hopeless in Haiti. 

One thing our team came to the conclusion of was that God never ever intended for the earthquake to happen. The earthquake happened because of the fallen world we live in. God let this happen because He has given us free will to do as we please, he can’t override it.

But my question is, why didn’t God step in and DO something?

I know He saw the earthquake happen and he grieved. He was crying with us, for His people. I know that He was there in the aftermath, he was there when the rubble crushed a husband, father of three. He was there to give him water each and everyday and kept him alive for two weeks as rescue came for him. He was there for the mothers who had to give birth in collapsed hospitals with live wires hanging everywhere. He was there for those who just stood there withabsolutely nothing left, stunned in the middle of a street covered with bodies, wondering where their God was now.  

But could God have done something about all the dead?

Could God have prevented the lost souls, the despair, the anguish of his children? 

I don’t know.

But I do know that through  this, amazing new things have been birthed. God has taken full reign of the aftermath, he has again, managed to salvage everything he can from an almost impossible situation. (We see him doing that in our own lives, everyday.) I see a new nation, no longer built upon the basis of voodoo, no longer built upon the blood of sacrifices to Satan (Their Palace and various statues and buildings were built on the sacrificial blood of virgins), but upon the blood of Jesus. The joy the Haitians have, even after all this destruction and devastation and the faces of those who worship the Lord while having lost everything makes me wonder who God is to me when I have everything I could possibly need. 

For the past month, we stayed at the YWAM base in that city where the staff were half american and half haitian. There was Dani from Texas, Kyle from Ohio, and Philipson, Steeve and Marie Marthe who were all from Haiti. 

The ministry we did in P-a-P consisted of orphanages, tent cities and construction. We often went to orphanages with kids programs that consisted of skits, bible stories and songs. I remember the first time going to Canaan orphanage, a tent city orphanage, and walking in to the sound of joyful, innocent voices praising God through songs and dance,

you couldn’t help but smile.

But after the first time we went, God’s yearning heart at the despairation of his children in that place was burning so strongly. His utmost, mind-blowing need  to meet the children’s need, to love on them was unshakable. Emotion after emotion, I was consumed in His despair, in His adoring love for His children, it was overwhelming. But as the weeks went on, visit after visit, the children were starting to become clothed, fed, sheltered.

God has not forsaken. Never.

Another occurance that left an immensely strong impression on me was the day God humbled me and showed me what I was doing, what I thought I was bringing to Haiti. In the beginning, it was to bring back to God, what was His. 

Heal their hearts.

Set the captives free.

Bring back the lost.

I thought I was bringing God to them.

Boy, was I wrong.

It was at a girl’s house, a family that lived in a collapsed building next to a tent city 5 minutes away from the base, that I found a hope that wasn’t from me. This girl had befriended one of the girls on our team, and asked us to go over to her house and visit her mother. We thought we’d pray for them and hang out, chat and then be gone.

I thought I was bringing them what they needed. 

The moment we walked in, Naika and her mother greeted us with genuine love.

And it didn’t just stop there.

Her mother immediately found seats for us to sit down on so we wouldn’t get our clothes dirty. And with the little money she had, that was probably meant to be put toward feeding her family, she bought us mangos. 

She wouldn’t let us refuse.

Her need to serve us, beyond anything she did was enough to bring most of us to tears. 

Her family was probably not going to eat much tonight, but it just brought her so much joy to simply serve.

And if that wasn’t enough;

she then proceeded to wash our feet.

I looked at myself, the example she set, was Jesus. And to think for a second that I was Jesus was laughable. 

God humbled us all that day. To think, that God wasn’t present here in Haiti would be saying that the love of God was only for the privileged, the wealthy.

What a wake up call.

I look to the mountains, his majesty is there, the sky, the trees.

I look at the children in the orphanage, his joy, his peace, his faith, his hope, his absolute, gut wrenchingly passionate

LOVE .

He is absolutely, completely here in Haiti. There’s nothing I need to bring, except fuel, for this fire that is soon to be a mighty flame.

Recently, from the beginning of the month of May, the 2nd part of outreach, I have been residing in the quaint city of Gonaives, just 2 - 3 hours north of the capital. It is situated right on the ocean and has an amazing breeze that P-a-P doesn’t offer. The YWAM base here is run by the incredibly dedicated Mullah family, headed by Pastor Mullah, an incredible servant of God. He has been such an example for our team, his dedication, his trust and faith in God, his willingness and openess to the spirit and his annointed purpose to bring restoration to Gonaives and in turn, the rest of Haiti and the world has been such an inspiration and refreshing influence on our team. 

The ministry we do here has much more variety than P-a-P, where in P-a-P, we spent time doing the same ministry over and over again to build relationships with the people, here in Gonaives, we have much more of an evangelical purpose. We often go to town squares with our speakers and generator, and we give our program of testimonies, skits, teachings and most of the time, an alter call. We go to many churches and present our testimonies there and words of encouragement. We also have gone to orphanages, schools, hospitals, villages, a voodoo compound, and often just street evangelism and door-to-door evangelism. Pastor Mullah really knows how to work us here! We get up at 7:30 for breakfast and worship, then we have a time where we either do ministry or we help paint the base here and then we have DINNER yes, you heard right, we have a big meal during lunch time! Apparently it’s healthier…and i kind of agree :) Afterwards, we all have a few hours rest and at 3-4 pm (you never know with Haitian time) we gather ourselves for prayer and ministry!  

Never a dull moment :)

One of the amazing moments in ministry that i’ve had here and will be a moment forever etched in my mind was the time our team drove out, about 30 minutes to a small village close to the water. We simply started our generator, set up some speakers and began just gather people. We would go door to door, inviting those who wanted to hear to join us, gathering a crowd. 

Just like Jesus did.

It shook me, when i looked behind me, a line of people were following all of us, we all had the hands of children enclosed with ours, it was like we were walking to go meet with our Father. We then delivered our message of hope, faith, of love. People listened. 

It was simple.

Nothing complicated.

God sowed seeds that night and one day those seeds will grow and I pray…I pray that one day they will grow into magnificent trees baring wonderful fruits.

Another incredible encounter was with a man in front of a voodoo compound. 

Now, don’t go thinking something freaky happened. Really, nothing did. It was another humbling instance that really just steered our team on the right direction again. We had driven up to the voodoo compound and as you are in Haiti, you are required to ride on a pick-up truck (there really aren’t ANY road restrictions in Haiti). So as we were riding in the pick-up truck, I rode with my face facing the road behind us. So i saw this man, stumbling his way toward the truck with an intense limp and a deformed arm. Immediately our team felt we had to pray for this man.

But for what?

So as we stopped in front of the voodoo compound, he caught up to us, and before he could even ask us to pray for him, we asked him if we could pray for him. He of course said yes. But we decided to ask him, what he wanted prayer for. As if it wasn’t obvious, we still decided to ask.

The amazing thing was, the first and foremost thing he asked for from us was that we prayed for an annointing over his life;

TO HEAL THE SICK.

This man, with a battered body, hardly being able to walk, asked for THE most selfless thing. He wanted to heal others while he was cripple. 

Talk about humility. 

Talk about selflessness.

Talk about Jesus.

He told us stories of him healing the sick. 

His mother told us stories of him healing the sick.

And all this was happening right outside a Voodoo compound where people relied on sacrifces and idols to be healed. 

This man was truly a light in that dark dark place.

The last few days have been incredibly hard for me. 

On Tuesday night, we went to a hospital.

This hospital was set up in an aircraft hanger. Minimal hygiene, minimal medical supplies. The most they had were glucose drips and several hospital beds. 

Our team went in the first room, a room for babies. The babies laid curled up in dirty sheets. Most too weak to move or even cry. Some without limbs. Some with swollen bellies that were most likely from parasites in the water and food. 

Children didn’t deserve this. 

No one did.

One man we saw, had a swollen belly, swollen limbs, no hope whatsoever left in his eyes.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick.

More than his body was sick, his soul was sick.

He had given up. 

He told us that his parents were dead, he was an orphan. No one visited him. He was just waiting to die. 

And so we began to pray.

Pray ceaselessly until we get breakthrough.

He would often at times during our prayers curl up on his belly and hiss in pain. We prayed that papa would take the pain away. 

And He did.

We prayed for a peace, that surpasses all understanding, all his current cirumstances to fall upon him. 

He looked up and said he felt something wash over him.

Beyond the broken body he had, God had mended something in him that gave him so much more than a healing could.

God had given him hope once again. 

I was content with that.

But I still wondered why God didn’t heal.

As we left the room that he shared with at least 10 other patients, a woman came and got us. She spoke something urgently in creole that i did not understand, but Emily did. She beckoned me to go with her.

She told me a baby had died.

A baby that we just asked healing for.

A baby that God could’ve easily healed.

She had anaemia for goodness sake!

We lifted the cloth that was placed over the face of the deceased child we had seen just minutes ago, lying in bed and watching us pray over her. Her limbs the size of twigs, face shallow and sunken in due to malnutrition. 

Her eyes, still open, were glazed over and glassy, staring at something further than what I had ever known in this world. 

Then the sounds of hell on earth happened.

Children were dying, mothers were grieving, sisters were crying, grown men were screaming out and hissing in desperate pain.

WHERE ARE YOU GOD?

 

As I knelt there on the ground before the baby, all resolve gone, all faith, all hope, gone.

Questions filled my mind.

Questions that second guessed the character, the purpose, the nature of God.

Would it have killed him to save that baby?

Does he not hear his children screaming for Him to come save them?

I didn’t understand.

I asked of these things from God, I wanted to see His kingdom come, but instead i saw death.

I saw hell.

Where was He?

Why did He withhold?

Why didn’t He lavish upon his children like He says, the goodness of the kingdom?

How did that whole situation bring glory to God? 

Yes, she was in heaven. A much better place.

But what about her mother? Her sister? How did they see God now?

I honestly, didn’t understand.

And honestly, I still don’t.

But what God has taught me through this whole thing was that I had to begun to wrestle with God.

I had begun to wrestle with the tough questions. I had begun to wrestle with how God fit in all the problems that happen in the world.

I need to be going through this process right now.

Only through this doubt, only through this struggle can I truly delve deeper than the surfacey, generic christianity that so many christians just hold on to. 

I refuse to believe that she died for no reason.

I refuse to believe that her death didn’t have any after effect on the world.

The truth of the matter is, these deaths can be prevented. I could’ve stopped it. Just by distributing what we have evenly, just like Jesus said. 

But instead, we haven’t. And this happens. Hundreds of thousands, millions of children die from curable diseases. God has started something in me, in my team through this death. Through her, a passion is rising in so many of us.

Though the fallen world manifests, God salvages.

  God has once again, salvaged. 

His promises bring hope.

And hope enables us to surpass all our current circumstances and gives us insight into a future God promises in His word. 

God is still GOOD.

I doubted that for a time being, but apart from what I feel  at a given time, I have to believe that God is always good.

No matter what it may look like right now, God is always good.

He has been with me, He is still with me as I struggle through this and He will be with me as I venture into this unknown future shaped by my present circumstances.

I no longer will accept the wishy washy generic answer to everything I question.

I want to know, as much as my mind, heart and soul will let me, about what God is doing about this. Because it’s okay to say that God is good when you haven’t experienced the injustice in the world first hand. It’s okay to say God is good when you live in a 10 bedroom house in North Sydney.

But when you see a child die of anaemia, a completely curable and manageable disease in the states and Australia, you really begin to question where you fit, where God fits, what the point is when everything around you is failing.

But I want to encourage you all to ask. 

Don’t be afraid.

God can handle your frustration at Him.

God can handle the wildest of questions.

So this is where I’m at right now.

If you’ve made it this far through this update, please let me know, I will personally congratulate you when I see you :)

I’m looking forward to coming back home, but with only a week left of ministry left here, I’m filled with an anxious heart. 

Only seven days.

Please be in prayer for me and my team!

Love loads,

Summer

 

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